he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
