I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
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