Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
