i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
Less talking, more tequila
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
Randomize
