I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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