did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Randomize