im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Randomize
