dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Alcohol and video games. A solid Friday night. Even before covid
Randomize