The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
