whats the name of the jew you used to have sex with that lives on evergreen?
be more specific...?
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
I know her cup size but not her name....
Randomize
