he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
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