So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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