Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
You can't just leave with hair like that
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
Randomize
