Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
