he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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