So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Randomize
