Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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