I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
