Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Randomize
