I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
