I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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