Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
