The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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