that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
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