My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
Please don't give away my fajitas
Randomize
