And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize