I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Randomize
