I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
He keeps bees of course he's weird
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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