wat bout pragnant strippers??
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Randomize
