then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I am one with the molecules
Fuck me I smell like cheese
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Randomize
