Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
Randomize
