my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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