Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
