i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Randomize
