Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
they need to just BURY HIM!
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Randomize
