I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
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