Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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