alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
Randomize
