My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
