final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize