I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Randomize
