Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I wish i was in the wii world.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
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