Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Randomize
