I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
