someone threw a dead crab at me
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
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