I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
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