its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
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