just survived the first fart of the relationship.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
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