Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
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