i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
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