so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize