I wish my penis had an off switch
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Randomize
