can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
