The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
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