I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
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