my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
dude this 15 year old girl saw our youtube vid and just facebook messaged me saying i was verry verry pretty. i have no schemas for how to respond to this situation.
woah 15?
i know! what is this dateline?
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
