Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
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