i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
He? As in you personified your dick?
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
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