My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
Randomize
