How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
Randomize
