We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
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